I Want

I want to stay home tonight and get drunk
But it won't make me love you any less.
I want to go out tonight and get drunk
But it won't make you love me any more.

I want to stay home tonight and wallow in self-pity
But it won't make the longing disappear.
I want to go out tonight and hit on all the hotties
But they won't replace the one most on my mind.

I want to sit and pour my feelings onto paper
But it won't make my feelings any wiser.
I want to take a walk and be alone with my thoughts
But it won't make my thoughts any less absurd.

I want to spend my money recklessly, as if I'm not in debt
But then my intelligence deficit will match my money deficit.

I want to hurt myself, destroy myself, and emerge barely alive
But that would be as stupid as my love for you.
I want to hurt you, destroy you, diminish you, disgrace you
But I don't, I really don't, I truly don't, I know I don't.

I want to resent your happiness because you're happy without me
But I'm happy for you. Why must I be happy for you?

I want to get over you, for it's the rational thing to do
But emotions are not typically rational.
I want to move on from you, for it's the smart thing to do
But I am not typically smart.

After And After Hours

My life is in this bag
And these pockets
I will not go home tonight
For tonight I have no home

The road before me is scary yet inviting
The day ahead of me full of challenges
But I'm ready

There's no rest for the weary
Or the crazy

The former, I definitely am
The latter, I've probably always been

And some might think me crazy tonight
My life carried on my shoulders
And in these jeans
My wandering spirit refusing to let me be a prisoner
Of four walls holding a human-made hell

Some might think me crazy as I run
Not merely from agony
But to freedom

Some might think me crazy not to settle for the unacceptable
"The inevitable," they might say...

In that case, sanity is overrated

For here is my life
In these pockets
In this bag
Flowing from this pen to this paper

And here I am

And here I go.

More Or Less Of The Same

I will be your sympathy when I just cannot empathize
I will be your empathy when I can more than sympathize
I will be the shoulder you can wet when rain falls from your eyes
But one thing I won't be is surprised

I will listen as you tell me how he wasted your affection
I will listen even when I know you don't need my attention
I will bite my tongue, suppressing thoughts you don't want me to mention
Like "Be pickier about your next connection"

I will take a step back, knowing how this new chapter will end
I will watch you from a distance as you hurt yourself again
But I won't be out of touch, lest you think me a bad friend
Still, I may just be one now and then

I will forget all about you until somehow you remind me
That it only burdened both of us for me to treat you kindly
It's not that I don't love you, but I can't let my love blind me
Why can't I just leave you behind me?

And now that once again, you've been abused and used and burned
By yet another opportunist to whom you have turned
I know you still won't recognize the lesson you must learn
And I've run out of time to be concerned.

The Woman Of My Dreams

The woman of my dreams rules my dreams
An image created by an industry
The woman of my dreams could have come from a movie
Whether PG-13 or X.

You, my dear, are beautiful inside
But not as beautiful outside as the woman of my dreams
And moreover:

The woman of my dreams is the one I've waited for
And never, ever found in real life.

The woman of my dreams is my ideal
Or at least a bad idea
But in every great love story
Or every great sex story
There's a woman who lives to please her man
And you, my dear, are too busy being yourself.

The woman of my dreams is a character in a scene
In a work of so-called art meant to arouse
The woman of my dreams is a vision in a fantasy
Brought to life for the sake of my pleasure.

I wish that I could love you for what you do and say
But too often, you differ and disagree
You're not unfailingly what I desire you to be
Unlike the woman of my dreams.

The woman of my dreams speaks to me
Though you are talking
I see you dancing next to me
But it's her body swaying
I see you smiling at me
But it's her face I'm seeking
I embrace you and I feel -- you...
Just you.

The woman of my dreams satisfies me come bedtime
The woman of my dreams lets me down otherwise
And you, my dear, are HERE, but you might as well be nowhere
YOU ARE NOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS!

The woman of my dreams rules my dreams
An image created by an industry
The woman of my dreams could have come from a movie
You, my dear, could only come from real life.

And now, the woman of my dreams leaves me sitting alone and lonely
My eyes filling with tears, my body filling with rage
And nothing I can reach for could possibly uplift me
But someone I can reach for could.

The woman of my dreams lives only in my dreams
And drains the life out of me with each successive dream
And to see your face and hear your voice, my dear, is what will save me
You are not the woman of my dreams.

Love Poem

Who the FUCK do you think you are?
You have NO RIGHT to own my mind, my heart, my soul -- oh, who am I kidding?

They're yours -- they're all yours!
I'm all yours!

Bitch.

You make me sick.
With your cute little face and your stupid curves and your obnoxious laugh -- and your voice! That voice! UGH!

I miss the sound of your voice.

FUCK YOU!

I fucking love you.

I want you near me...all the time.

I want you with me wherever I go.
For you're already on my mind...and in my heart and my soul.

And you already take a piece of me wherever you go.

What is this, a fucking Top 40 love song?!?!

Ain't nobody got time for that shit!

I wish I'd never met you!

Well, no...I don't wish I'd never met you...I just wish I'd never fallen for you.

Well, no...I don't wish I'd never fallen for you...I just wish you didn't suck.

You DON'T suck.
You're awesome.
You're the most awesome, most beautiful, most amazing woman ever!

P.S. I hate you.