Hey, Lorelei!

I noticed that you didn't post on Facebook yesterday.
And that you haven't "liked" any of my posts in three days.
Are you okay?
I even checked your timeline a bunch of times to see if there was anything I missed.
Nothing.
So yeah, if something's wrong, let me know.
I mean, you have my number.
You still have my number, right?
GOOD!
I mean, good.
Call me.
If you want to.
Please.
PLEASE.

By the way, how did you like that bottle of wine I sent you?
I would have given it to you in person, but every time I went to your house, you weren't there.
Well, maybe you were there, but you were in the bathroom or something.
Or maybe you were watching TV and couldn't hear me pounding on the door.
Anyway, did you get it?
That bottle of wine I sent you.
Oh, really?
Because I remember you saying at Pierre's on November 26th last year -- it was between dinner and dessert -- that you hate red wine.
Oh, you'd only ever had Merlot?
Well, you should have told me!
I'd have gladly bought you a glass of Pinot Noir, or Malbec, or Cabernet Sauvi -- no, no, that's fine!
I wouldn't have minded one bit!
Anything for you, Lorelei, you know that!
You do know that, don't you?
Good. But you sound like you don't think I mean it.
You know I mean it?
Are you sure?
GREAT!

So listen, I've been meaning to tell you how wonderful it was last week when I ran into you at Target and we shopped for paper towels together.
I never had so much fun at Target...even shopping for condoms!
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh crap, why did I say that?
That was such an inappropriate thing to say.
You must think I'm such a dweeb.
See?
You're not even responding!
You DO think I'm a dweeb!
You don't?
REALLY?
Oh, Lorelei, I love you!
That's okay...
You don't have to say it back.